Monday, 5 July 2010

13ft Trampoline - 5 Stars

By Lara from West Lothian (source)

"very easily put up much sturdier and bouncier than previous trampolines i have purchased"

Review of Review:  - "Lara, you look happy."
- "Well I am happy. I'm beaming. I'm on the verge of singing a jolly song."
- "And why are you so happy?"
- "Because I have achieved my lifelong ambition."
- "You've found the perfect trampoline."
- "Oh, yes. This is the sturdiest, bounciest trampoline of all the sturdy bouncy trampolines I have purchased in my life."
- "And there have been many, haven't there, my Lara?"
- "Oh, yes. A shitload."
- "Darling Lara, I hate to bring this up. But have you explored the possibility that there might still be a sturdier, bouncier trampoline out there? Lara? Lara? Oh, my Lara, why do you weep so?"

Friday, 22 January 2010

SanDisk 8GB SDHC Secure Digital Card

By Neil A. Davies (source)

"I have yet to use
this SanDisk 8GB Digi card yet to provide any factual data, but having used this make in the past I do not expect any issues."

Review of Review: A rarity in the reviewing world. Some would decry Neil A. Davies for rushing to judgement, but that would be to understate the nature of this review. What this review opens up is a world of possibilities, the eternal Maybe, as his namesake, the television writer Russell T Davies would put it.

Consider the example of Schroedinger's Cat. As Neil A. Davies was writing the review, his SanDisk 8GB SDHC Secure Digital Card was simultaneously not throwing up any issues AND prone to throwing up some issues, just as the cat inside Schroedinger's box is simultaneously alive and dead.

At this point, I think a small digression is in order. I have often wondered how Schroedinger alighted upon a cat as the subject of his experiment. My experience with cats is such that I am unconvinced that one could put one in a box without being mutilated in some way. Perhaps he tried other animals. I suppose smaller animals would be able to move around inside the box, offering a clue to the creature's survival. And a larger animal would require a larger box - a logistical nightmare. It would be easier to take a horse into a pub. I suppose a cat, in the end, was the only option. Especially as Pavlov had cornered the dog market.

In any case, I hope that Neil A. Davies was not disappointed. I'm just sorry he didn't see fit to pop back with his findings to give us a post-pre-review-review. Or a review, for short.

Friday, 8 January 2010

Airsprung Nice Deep Quilted Double Mattress - 3 Stars

By Tony T from Derbyshire (source)

"I bought this mattress mainly as it was at sale price; however I was previously familiar with the brand name. When it arrived I noticed that it felt very much softer than the last "firm" mattress I had but boy was I pleasantly surprised! When actually lying on it, the mattress is considerably stable; there is definitely no "rolling together" or off the side. When you lie down to sleep, you'll be waking up instantly - the next morning! You won't know the night has passed. Nonetheless it should be stressed that it is a soft mattress and if you've ever stood up on the bed, you'll know the difference - your feet tend to sink into the mattress on this one. Still for the price, I recomend this to be an excellent buy."

Review of Review: Poor Tony T. It must have been dreadful for him before he got his great new Airsprung Nice Deep Quilted Double Mattress. Every night, “rolling together” (that's probably a euphemism for doing sex) or falling off the side. I bet he was either knackered or black and blue every morning.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a perfectly flat mattress, rather than this weird undulating U-shaped/ N-shaped mattress I currently have. If only I could have a magic mattress which would make the whole sordid sleeping business just go away in an instant, my world would be all in order and I wouldn't need to spend my days hiding behind a copy of the Daily Express and weeping.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a mattress which felt at the same time soft AND firm, just like Sadie Frost's flesh appears to the Guardian journalist Deborah Orr. That would be bloody ace.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a mattress which my feet wouldn't sink into when I was standing on it for reasons which, quite frankly, are none of anybody else's business.

Two out of three ain't bad, Tony T. I quite understand why you could only give this mattress three stars under the circumstances. Perhaps you could buy a stepladder with the money you've saved and then you wouldn't have to stand on the bed.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Scrapbook Factory Deluxe V4 - 4 Stars

By J.D. JESUS "jtd" (U.K) (Source)

Submitted by: Barrie Mills

good for the parent with children

"one of the best item that my kids like to work on the pcomputer. it help them to be more creative. i deal as well for some school teachers whos dealing or with children and getting stock of ideas."

Review of Review: The reviewer is involved with the Amazon Vine programme. This "enables a select group of Amazon customers to post opinions about new and pre-release items to help their fellow customers make educated purchase decisions. Customers are invited to become Vine Voices based on the trust they have earned in the Amazon community for writing accurate and insightful reviews."

Well, if we're talking about trust, who could be more worthy than the Son of God Himself? But wait a minute! Is this person actually Jesus? Let's examine the evidence.

1) This person is a parent. Not only that, he has children. Despite what that Dan Brown says, Jesus didn't have a family. And if we're going by sales, the Bible's shifted more units that The Da Vinci Code. VERDICT: NOT THE REAL JESUS

2) There's no evidence in the Bible of God using software. Genesis 1 says: "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also."

It doesn't say: "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. Then He had a bit of a look and thought, 'You know, the saturation on the greater light's a bit red, it needs to be more yellow. Ooh, and I'll Photoshop a few more of those stars in over there. Look, if you join the dots you can make a picture of a plough. Jings! I'd better create some humans to invent the plough'." VERDICT: NOT THE REAL JESUS.

3) Jesus spoke Aramaic, and probably a little Latin and Greek. He couldn't speak English. VERDICT: THE REAL JESUS.

Well, it's two to one against it being the real Jesus, and if we can't trust him on that score, how can we trust him on whether this bit of software is worth four stars? We can't, which is why this is an Unhelpful Review.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - 5 Stars

By A. M. Buckle (Source)


Review of Review: Some books are just too good. Some books just make you want to run to the computer and dash off a review before you've even finished reading it. The Lost Symbol is, perhaps, just such a book.

Poor A.M. Buckle must have legged it to the keyboard, so excited was she, and attempted to type. But then she realised that she still had the book in her hand. "Damn it," she undoubtedly thought. "How on earth am I supposed to type when I've got a book in my hand?"

She tried to put it down, so that she could give us her views. Lord, she tried to put it down. But could she? No. Because it is so hard to put down. The best she could do was to wrest one hand away from the magnetic tome.

Then she started to type, but she had tremendous trouble using the Shift key as she was only using one hand. Luckily she remembered the Caps Lock button, which enabled her to type her review.

But it is, in the end and despite her heroic efforts, an Unhelpful Review because it is a review of only part of the "The Lost Symbol" experience. I mean, it's likely that the book continued to get better and better until the climax which would just about be the best thing that had ever been written.

But what if Dan Brown peaked three quarters of the way through? What if he resolved a cliffhanger with "Anyway, then Tom Hanks woke up and it had all been a dream?" And then the final quarter of the book was about him going to the shops and picking up the dry cleaning, and then going on Twitter and telling people about going to the shops and picking up the dry cleaning?

And then what if it went on with him seeing his wife at teatime and telling her about the funny dream he'd had about freemasons, and she said, "You've been eating cheese again at bedtime?" And then what if he said, "No, I'll tell you what it was, I was reading that book about freemasons. That'll be why?" And then what if he had his tea, and then he said, "Ooh, yes, I did have a bit of Red Leicester before I went up. You're right?"

In that case, I reckon A.M. Buckle's review could be considered misleading.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Delia's Happy Christmas - 1 Star

By Mr. A. T. Mckillop "Amazon ruls" of Ireland (Source)

Not What I Expected

"I feel that delia really let us down with this book...I bought the book expecting it to be brilliant, but i was wrong i would not cook anything from it. it was awful. I would cook nothing from it and found it to be a huge waste of money...if you dont believe my review as i would have because its a delia smith book and it should be good, make sure to go to a book shop and have a look through before you buy as you will be happy you did not waste your money.. "

Review of Review: I feel tremendously sorry for poor Mr. A. T. Mckillop of Ireland. Such disappointment. What must he have imagined a Delia Smith book about Christmas would contain?

- "Mary, that Delia Smith book, it's arrived!"

- "Faith and, indeed, begorrah! Is that it in your trembling hands?"

- "Yes, to be sure, to be sure."

- "Quick, A.T.! Tear off the packaging and let us gaze 'pon it."


- "I can't bear to look. Tell me, Mary. Tell me what incredible recipes there are in the book. Is there one for sunshine-trapped-in-a-prism flavoured ice-cream? Roast unicorn? Perhaps a pineapple upside-down cake? But not the upside-down cake of our youth. No. A cake that, through application of anti-gravity, LITERALLY turns the consumer upside down."

- "No, it's just a load of recipes for turkey and Christmas pudding."

- "Ah, bollocks. I've never been so let down."

Mind you, I reckon he deserves it, for advocating the use of bookshops as a try-before-you-buy-on-Amazon tool.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Pro Power 20kg Cast Dumbbell Set - 4.5 Stars

We have a special today. Sometimes an item is so controversial that the niceties of reviewing etiquette are blown apart. The Pro Power 20kg Cast Dumbbell Set is just such an item . . .

By dexter from bristol (Source)

"quality product, you cant go wrong wiht these."

Review of Review: Oh, Dexter, you naive, incapable-of-writing-eight-words-without-making-three-errors lamb. If only you knew...

By brad from Cleveland

"I would suggest to buy some weight lifting gloves as my fingers got sore with the bar having a rough edge for grip. I purchased the york gloves and everything is fine now even better."

Review of Review: Poor Brad. There must be nothing worse than picking up a heavy weight, only to find it's a bit rough. Still, the York gloves are making things fine, if not even better. No, Brad, I don't think you're a big jessie.

By Malinky from Ayrshire

"I also took the advice of the other reviewer and bought the York leather weighlifting gloves. Essential as the bar is rough metal almost like sandpaper."

Review of Review: And this is why I don't think Brad is a big jessie. There's clearly something wrong with the grips on these weights, something that puts carrying them ungauntleted beyond the power of mortal man.

By KK from leicestershire

"Grip is good but not that rough that you have to have gloves."

Review of Review: Hear that, Brad and Malinky? You big jessies. Now let that be the end of the controversy.

By MARECKI from london


Review of Review: What? What??? But it says 20KG up there. Are you sure?

By ken from merseyside

"whilst these dumbbells are very well made they are in fact under-weight coming in at only 18.6kg including the bars"

Review of Review: Let's imagine the scene. Ken from Merseyside excitedly unpacks his weights. He assembles the dumbbells, checks the heft of them. "Ey, this isn't 20kg!"

"Ey, ey, calm down, calm down," says Ken's common-law wife.

"I will not calm down. Lilo Lil is A TART!" says Ken. "Fetch the scales, we've been had."

By spamula from Annesley Woodhouse

"Not sure what the confusion is from other buyers regarding the weight printed on the box but ours said 20kg's and it contained 20kg."

Review of Review: I don't know, Ken from Merseyside and MARECKI from London, perhaps you should be giving your scales a bad review rather than these blameless dumbbells. You probably did. I can't be bothered to look.

By Ali from Essex

"Hi, bought these dumbbells a few back days and have been using them ever since. Advice: If you are making an in-store reservation, make sure that you are either on a car or have some way or carrying them back as they are obviously heavy."

Review of Review: Good advice, Ali from Essex. If you haven't got transport, you might want to buy lighter weights.