Alien - 1 Star

By theguys1 (Source)

Contributed by @Orange_Monkey

"the words amazing and stupefying don't define this movie; the words stupid and dull do

This is not a scary movie, but indeed a gross one. The reasons this movie is stupid are that they wasted the first hour of the film doing absolutely nothing, and there was so much use of unnecessary gore and graphic violence that it made the film ridiculously stupid. Just take out the "stupi" in stupefying and add a D to the end. That will tell you everything you need to know.

If you want a scary movie that won't make you heave when you look at water and milk and think they're alien drool, don't rent this garbage. I wish I had never seen this disgusting film, because I truly would have been better off without seeing it.

Back then in the 70's, scary movies were absolutely disgusting and gory, so I'd rent something new that's from our time if I were you."

Review of Review: - Hello. Welcome to Blockbuster Video
- Hello. I'd like to rent a movie.
- Excellent, any particular type?
- Scary, please. Ideally an amazing and stupefying one. I can't be doing with stupid and dull ones.
- Any other specifications? We have a number of scary movies.
- Any where they don't do anything for the first hour?
- Yep. Narrows it down.
- Lots of unnecessary gore, please.
- Yep. Got a few. In fact, I think I have the ideal movie for you. Ridley Scott's Alien. It's a classic.
- Ace. I'll take it... Oh, hang on. When I look at water and milk, I think it looks like alien drool. Will this movie exacerbate this tendency?
- Oh, sorry, yes. Look, it even says on the back. "Do not watch if you think water and milk look like alien drool."
- That was a close one.
- It was.
- I'll be off then. Oh, before I go. I have the spare letters 'e', 'f', 'y', 'n' and 'g' left over from when I was changing the word 'stupefying' into the word 'stupid' earlier today. Do you know anybody who might want to buy them?
- No.