Wall Mounted Cue Rack - 5 Stars

By Jackie from Kent (Source)

Contributed by: Barrie Mills

"Very easy to put onto the wall. Attractive and professional to look at. Handy in terms of storing cues. Would recommend."

Review of Review: Imagine you have some cues you want to store. You might try keeping them in a kettle. But what if you want a nice cup of tea? Maybe you could try a dog basket. But what happens when your poodle, Littlejohn, wants to go to bed? Where, oh where would you be able to stash them?

You might wonder if a cue rack would be the answer. If that's the case, ask Jackie from Kent. She reckons this cue rack is handy in terms of storing cues. I reckon that's all you can ask from a cue rack. It's going to be rubbish for storing, say, jelly or rice, but there are other containers which would be more suitable.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that if you want to store some cues, a cue rack is an ideal option. And Jackie of Kent agrees. And who are you to argue?

Hang on. This isn't an unhelpful review. It's the exact opposite. However, I'm looking for unhelpful reviews. So a helpful review is, by definition, unhelpful to me.

Sound Stage Bouncy Castle - 5 Stars

By marion from wiltshire (Source)

"my children and my next door neighbours kids absolutely loved this.the speakers are great,no need for a stereo outside so bonus.saying that the volume could have been a bit louder.i totally recomend this,i've renamed it the i- bouncer!"

Review of Review: Oh, look. It's another Marion. Is this merely a coincidence or is there something more going on?*

I like this Marion. I like her laissez-faire approach to punctuation.

I like that she considers not needing extra speakers on a Sound Stage Bouncy Castle with internal speakers to be a bonus (I personally would consider it the minimum specification along with bounciness, but I am a grumbling cynic rather than a wide-eyed optimist).

I like that she's honest enough to admit that, perhaps, the speakers aren't quite loud enough. She's set herself against herself: do I need speakers, or don't I? (This is why this ultimately is an unhelpful review.)

But most of all, I like her sheer inventiveness. Not only has she provided us with a searing and personal review, but she's also come up with a pet name for the Sound Stage Bouncy Castle - "the i- bouncer." It took me a while to work it out - "What? Is this a play on high bouncer?" - but in the end I realised it was a brilliant riff on the Apple iPod.**

*It's a coincidence.
** Perhaps if there was a puncture, she could repair it with an i- patch.

Linear 24 Piece Cream and Chocolate Porcelain Dinner Set - 5 Stars

Love this item

By Marian from Staffordshire (Source)

"I am very pleased with this and is an impovement to our dining!"

Review of Review: - "Marian, me duck?"

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "This gravy's lovely."

- "Thanks very much. I used the juices from the joint."

- "I thought as much. Erm, it's just..."

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "Well, the mashed carrot and swede's soaking up a lot of the gravy, but I am finding that most of it is ending up on my lap."

- "I knew I should have made it thicker."

- "No, Marian, me duck. It's perfect. It's just, well, I'm not sure that just putting the lamb and potatoes and vegetables directly onto the table top and then pouring the gravy over them is working. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it is a serious impediment to my enjoyment of dining."

- "I've never thought about it before, but you're right. I wonder if Argos has any sort of ingenious device which could help us. Pass the catalogue. Ugh, you've got gravy on it."

24 HOURS LATER.

- "Marian, me duck?"

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "These plate things are a right boon. They've reduced gravy spillage by, ooh, 98%."

- "Yes. me duck. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's an improvement to our dining. I'm going to log on to the Argos website RIGHT NOW and tell them so."

- "That's a great idea. Oh, don't forget, the 'R' key's sticking a bit. Sometimes it doesn't work properly."

The Catcher In The Rye - 1 Star

By Jamie fan (Source)

"My friends and family immediatley recognised the title of the book, and when they saw me reading it they continually asked me whatt it was about. I was unable to answer. The plot is, there is no plot. It's a snippet from a teenage boy's life, and he used the book to moan and complain about how much he hates pretty much everything. I read it when I was in my teens, and still it had no effect on me whatsoever.

"But don't take my advice. Many people have enjoyed the book,many people hated it. It's simply something you have to try - it may pay off, it may not."

Review of Review: Powerful stuff from Jamie fan, undermined slightly by the advice at the end.

Alien - 1 Star

By theguys1 (Source)

Contributed by @Orange_Monkey

"the words amazing and stupefying don't define this movie; the words stupid and dull do

This is not a scary movie, but indeed a gross one. The reasons this movie is stupid are that they wasted the first hour of the film doing absolutely nothing, and there was so much use of unnecessary gore and graphic violence that it made the film ridiculously stupid. Just take out the "stupi" in stupefying and add a D to the end. That will tell you everything you need to know.

If you want a scary movie that won't make you heave when you look at water and milk and think they're alien drool, don't rent this garbage. I wish I had never seen this disgusting film, because I truly would have been better off without seeing it.

Back then in the 70's, scary movies were absolutely disgusting and gory, so I'd rent something new that's from our time if I were you."

Review of Review: - Hello. Welcome to Blockbuster Video
- Hello. I'd like to rent a movie.
- Excellent, any particular type?
- Scary, please. Ideally an amazing and stupefying one. I can't be doing with stupid and dull ones.
- Any other specifications? We have a number of scary movies.
- Any where they don't do anything for the first hour?
- Yep. Narrows it down.
- Lots of unnecessary gore, please.
- Yep. Got a few. In fact, I think I have the ideal movie for you. Ridley Scott's Alien. It's a classic.
- Ace. I'll take it... Oh, hang on. When I look at water and milk, I think it looks like alien drool. Will this movie exacerbate this tendency?
- Oh, sorry, yes. Look, it even says on the back. "Do not watch if you think water and milk look like alien drool."
- That was a close one.
- It was.
- I'll be off then. Oh, before I go. I have the spare letters 'e', 'f', 'y', 'n' and 'g' left over from when I was changing the word 'stupefying' into the word 'stupid' earlier today. Do you know anybody who might want to buy them?
- No.

Football Goal - 4 Stars

By Cindy from Wiltshire (Source)

"This goal does what it's made for and doesn't take long to put up. I only had one problem and that was that one of the black stoppers were snapped which doesn't really matter."

Review of Review: It does its job and the only thing that went wrong isn't even important, so why only 4 stars? Does Cindy from Wiltshire have some Platonic ideal cheap goal which this simply does not match? Maybe perfection in the field of cheap goal manufacture is an unachievable goal. Oh, the bitter-sweet irony. Look upon this review, manufacturers of cheap football equipment and despair, for you have nothing but disappointment ahead of you.

Brabantia White Bread Bin and 3 Plain White Canisters - 4 Stars

By Michael from Hampshire (Source)

"was pleased with bin though sounds a bit tinny. Goes well with new kitchen."

Review of Review: I'm with Michael from Hampshire here. To me there's nothing worse than a tinny bread bin. To be fair to Brabantia, they make few claims for its effectiveness as headphones and any use as such should be considered a bonus.

So why is this an unhelpful review? Well, we have no idea what Michael's new kitchen looks like. He seems genuine enough, but there are no pictures, so we can't judge. And even if we did, there's no guarantee that the bread bin would go just as well in our own kitchens. If I were a suspicious man, I'd suggest that Michael from Hampshire has only posted this review just to show off that he has a new kitchen. Also there's no specific mention of the canisters. Could do better.

Thriller by Michael Jackson - 5 Stars

By T. Davies (Source)

"I have the vinyl of this and needed the cd for the car and iPod. The music is amazing - some of his best songs. Brought back so many memories of being a teenager."

Review of Review: I think if, after all this time, I haven't bought Michael Jackson's Thriller, one more positive review isn't going to tip the balance. But thank you, T. Davies, for taking the time and trouble.

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban - 1 Star

By "A Customer" (Source)

"I enjoyed this one most out of the five so far. It's the one where the characters get on best, their personalities come through very well, the story moves along and you find out more of Harry's background, and the school life is shown well. So why does it get only one star?

"It gets one because it falls apart with Hermione and her time-travel thing. That undermines everything because suddenly anything anywhere can be changed. If you can suddenly mess about with time, then Voldermort could just go back and kill Harry's parents, or kill anyone in his direct family before he was born and suddenly NO MORE HARRY. It's such a massive plot hole and I can't believe JKR used it because it blows the series totally. If time travel is possible in Harry's world then nothing is ever final because everything can change at any moment, depending on who is controlling time itself. Big mistake, in terms of plot development.

"Try reading books four and five without thinking about Hermione's time piece. They don't work at all, because they should be very different once the principle of time travel is applied to them. If Harry could wind the clock back, suddenly the cause of all the problems in those books don't need to happen in the first place. Ooops.

"If like me you love the idea of time travel then try reading ones where it's all been thought through properly, and the stories have been built on it. The Time Traveller's Wife is good, The Time Machine of course, and The Odessa Stone and The Guardian Of Time. They're all based on the effects and so on about messing with time or observing time passing by, and they work brilliantly because the principles get established about what's going on - and who's in charge of them! Most important, they're well thought out.

"So if you can ignore the pitfall of JKR's folly in this one, which most people seem to do very easily, then you'll really enjoy the whole story, and the whole series as well. For me though, it's the most enjoyable story but it leaves a really big mess afterwards - but only if you think about it."

Review of Review: So this is your favourite of the five so far, "A Customer". And you've given it one star. What on earth possessed you to carry on? Are you some sort of masochist? I bet you wish you had access to a time machine, so you could meet your younger self and say, "Tell you what, A Customer, if I were you (and, let's face it, I was) I'd give the whole Harry Potter business a miss."

But then, if you didn't read the books, you'd never feel the need to go back in time to tell your younger self to give Rowling a wide berth. And you'd end up reading them. It's a paradox, and no mistake. I think you should let sleeping dogs lie.

Elevation 34 inch Electric Guitar Outfit - 3 Stars

By "A Customer" (Source)

"My 14 year old daughter wanted a guitar to learn on. She saw this one in the Argos catalog & put it on her Christmas list. It was purchased for her and the box was huge. However, when you open it, it is not a full size guitar and to be honest I think my daughter was a little disappointed but didn't want to offend. Hold a tape measure to the correct size against the person who intends to use it to check this first."

Review of Review: - 'Love, can you come here?'
- 'God, mum, what do you want now?'
- 'Just stand here.'
- *massive teenage tut*
- 'Put one hand over there. Yes. And the other one there. Like you're playing air guitar'
- 'God, mum, why?'
- 'Never mind, just do it. Right. Tape measure.'
- 'This is stupid. By the way, what are you getting me for Christmas?"
- 'It's a surprise.'