Unhelpful Reviews

13ft Trampoline - 5 Stars

2010-07-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

By Lara from West Lothian (source)

"very easily put up much sturdier and bouncier than previous trampolines i have purchased"

Review of Review: - "Lara, you look happy."
- "Well I am happy. I'm beaming. I'm on the verge of singing a jolly song."
- "And why are you so happy?"
- "Because I have achieved my lifelong ambition."
- "You've found the perfect trampoline."
- "Oh, yes. This is the sturdiest, bounciest trampoline of all the sturdy bouncy trampolines I have purchased in my life."
- "And there have been many, haven't there, my Lara?"
- "Oh, yes. A shitload."
- "Darling Lara, I hate to bring this up. But have you explored the possibility that there might still be a sturdier, bouncier trampoline out there? Lara? Lara? Oh, my Lara, why do you weep so?"

SanDisk 8GB SDHC Secure Digital Card

2010-01-22T03:47:00.000-08:00

By Neil A. Davies (source)

"I have yet to use this SanDisk 8GB Digi card yet to provide any factual data, but having used this make in the past I do not expect any issues."

Review of Review: A rarity in the reviewing world. Some would decry Neil A. Davies for rushing to judgement, but that would be to understate the nature of this review. What this review opens up is a world of possibilities, the eternal Maybe, as his namesake, the television writer Russell T Davies would put it.

Consider the example of Schroedinger's Cat. As Neil A. Davies was writing the review, his SanDisk 8GB SDHC Secure Digital Card was simultaneously not throwing up any issues AND prone to throwing up some issues, just as the cat inside Schroedinger's box is simultaneously alive and dead.

At this point, I think a small digression is in order. I have often wondered how Schroedinger alighted upon a cat as the subject of his experiment. My experience with cats is such that I am unconvinced that one could put one in a box without being mutilated in some way. Perhaps he tried other animals. I suppose smaller animals would be able to move around inside the box, offering a clue to the creature's survival. And a larger animal would require a larger box - a logistical nightmare. It would be easier to take a horse into a pub. I suppose a cat, in the end, was the only option. Especially as Pavlov had cornered the dog market.

In any case, I hope that Neil A. Davies was not disappointed. I'm just sorry he didn't see fit to pop back with his findings to give us a post-pre-review-review. Or a review, for short.

Airsprung Nice Deep Quilted Double Mattress - 3 Stars

2010-01-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

By Tony T from Derbyshire (source)

"I bought this mattress mainly as it was at sale price; however I was previously familiar with the brand name. When it arrived I noticed that it felt very much softer than the last "firm" mattress I had but boy was I pleasantly surprised! When actually lying on it, the mattress is considerably stable; there is definitely no "rolling together" or off the side. When you lie down to sleep, you'll be waking up instantly - the next morning! You won't know the night has passed. Nonetheless it should be stressed that it is a soft mattress and if you've ever stood up on the bed, you'll know the difference - your feet tend to sink into the mattress on this one. Still for the price, I recomend this to be an excellent buy."

Review of Review: Poor Tony T. It must have been dreadful for him before he got his great new Airsprung Nice Deep Quilted Double Mattress. Every night, “rolling together” (that's probably a euphemism for doing sex) or falling off the side. I bet he was either knackered or black and blue every morning.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a perfectly flat mattress, rather than this weird undulating U-shaped/ N-shaped mattress I currently have. If only I could have a magic mattress which would make the whole sordid sleeping business just go away in an instant, my world would be all in order and I wouldn't need to spend my days hiding behind a copy of the Daily Express and weeping.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a mattress which felt at the same time soft AND firm, just like Sadie Frost's flesh appears to the Guardian journalist Deborah Orr. That would be bloody ace.

If only, he would have thought, I could have a mattress which my feet wouldn't sink into when I was standing on it for reasons which, quite frankly, are none of anybody else's business.

Two out of three ain't bad, Tony T. I quite understand why you could only give this mattress three stars under the circumstances. Perhaps you could buy a stepladder with the money you've saved and then you wouldn't have to stand on the bed.

Scrapbook Factory Deluxe V4 - 4 Stars

2009-12-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

By J.D. JESUS "jtd" (U.K) (Source)

Submitted by: Barrie Mills

good for the parent with children

"one of the best item that my kids like to work on the pcomputer. it help them to be more creative. i deal as well for some school teachers whos dealing or with children and getting stock of ideas."

Review of Review: The reviewer is involved with the Amazon Vine programme. This "enables a select group of Amazon customers to post opinions about new and pre-release items to help their fellow customers make educated purchase decisions. Customers are invited to become Vine Voices based on the trust they have earned in the Amazon community for writing accurate and insightful reviews."

Well, if we're talking about trust, who could be more worthy than the Son of God Himself? But wait a minute! Is this person actually Jesus? Let's examine the evidence.

1) This person is a parent. Not only that, he has children. Despite what that Dan Brown says, Jesus didn't have a family. And if we're going by sales, the Bible's shifted more units that The Da Vinci Code. VERDICT: NOT THE REAL JESUS

2) There's no evidence in the Bible of God using software. Genesis 1 says: "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also."

It doesn't say: "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. Then He had a bit of a look and thought, 'You know, the saturation on the greater light's a bit red, it needs to be more yellow. Ooh, and I'll Photoshop a few more of those stars in over there. Look, if you join the dots you can make a picture of a plough. Jings! I'd better create some humans to invent the plough'." VERDICT: NOT THE REAL JESUS.

3) Jesus spoke Aramaic, and probably a little Latin and Greek. He couldn't speak English. VERDICT: THE REAL JESUS.

Well, it's two to one against it being the real Jesus, and if we can't trust him on that score, how can we trust him on whether this bit of software is worth four stars? We can't, which is why this is an Unhelpful Review.

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - 5 Stars

2009-12-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

By A. M. Buckle (Source)

"I CANT WRITE MUCH ABOUT THIS BOOK AS I AM STILL READING IT BUT IT IS HARD TO PUT DOWN SO THAT PROVES THAT IT IS A GOOD BOOK SO FAR AND IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER."

Review of Review: Some books are just too good. Some books just make you want to run to the computer and dash off a review before you've even finished reading it. The Lost Symbol is, perhaps, just such a book.

Poor A.M. Buckle must have legged it to the keyboard, so excited was she, and attempted to type. But then she realised that she still had the book in her hand. "Damn it," she undoubtedly thought. "How on earth am I supposed to type when I've got a book in my hand?"

She tried to put it down, so that she could give us her views. Lord, she tried to put it down. But could she? No. Because it is so hard to put down. The best she could do was to wrest one hand away from the magnetic tome.

Then she started to type, but she had tremendous trouble using the Shift key as she was only using one hand. Luckily she remembered the Caps Lock button, which enabled her to type her review.

But it is, in the end and despite her heroic efforts, an Unhelpful Review because it is a review of only part of the "The Lost Symbol" experience. I mean, it's likely that the book continued to get better and better until the climax which would just about be the best thing that had ever been written.

But what if Dan Brown peaked three quarters of the way through? What if he resolved a cliffhanger with "Anyway, then Tom Hanks woke up and it had all been a dream?" And then the final quarter of the book was about him going to the shops and picking up the dry cleaning, and then going on Twitter and telling people about going to the shops and picking up the dry cleaning?

And then what if it went on with him seeing his wife at teatime and telling her about the funny dream he'd had about freemasons, and she said, "You've been eating cheese again at bedtime?" And then what if he said, "No, I'll tell you what it was, I was reading that book about freemasons. That'll be why?" And then what if he had his tea, and then he said, "Ooh, yes, I did have a bit of Red Leicester before I went up. You're right?"

In that case, I reckon A.M. Buckle's review could be considered misleading.

Delia's Happy Christmas - 1 Star

2009-12-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

By Mr. A. T. Mckillop "Amazon ruls" of Ireland (Source)

Not What I Expected

"I feel that delia really let us down with this book...I bought the book expecting it to be brilliant, but i was wrong i would not cook anything from it. it was awful. I would cook nothing from it and found it to be a huge waste of money...if you dont believe my review as i would have because its a delia smith book and it should be good, make sure to go to a book shop and have a look through before you buy as you will be happy you did not waste your money.. "

Review of Review: I feel tremendously sorry for poor Mr. A. T. Mckillop of Ireland. Such disappointment. What must he have imagined a Delia Smith book about Christmas would contain?

- "Mary, that Delia Smith book, it's arrived!"

- "Faith and, indeed, begorrah! Is that it in your trembling hands?"

- "Yes, to be sure, to be sure."

- "Quick, A.T.! Tear off the packaging and let us gaze 'pon it."

(RUSTLE, RUSTLE.)

- "I can't bear to look. Tell me, Mary. Tell me what incredible recipes there are in the book. Is there one for sunshine-trapped-in-a-prism flavoured ice-cream? Roast unicorn? Perhaps a pineapple upside-down cake? But not the upside-down cake of our youth. No. A cake that, through application of anti-gravity, LITERALLY turns the consumer upside down."

- "No, it's just a load of recipes for turkey and Christmas pudding."

- "Ah, bollocks. I've never been so let down."

Mind you, I reckon he deserves it, for advocating the use of bookshops as a try-before-you-buy-on-Amazon tool.

Pro Power 20kg Cast Dumbbell Set - 4.5 Stars

2009-12-02T04:14:00.000-08:00

We have a special today. Sometimes an item is so controversial that the niceties of reviewing etiquette are blown apart. The Pro Power 20kg Cast Dumbbell Set is just such an item . . .

By dexter from bristol (Source)

"quality product, you cant go wrong wiht these."

Review of Review: Oh, Dexter, you naive, incapable-of-writing-eight-words-without-making-three-errors lamb. If only you knew...

By brad from Cleveland

"I would suggest to buy some weight lifting gloves as my fingers got sore with the bar having a rough edge for grip. I purchased the york gloves and everything is fine now even better."

Review of Review: Poor Brad. There must be nothing worse than picking up a heavy weight, only to find it's a bit rough. Still, the York gloves are making things fine, if not even better. No, Brad, I don't think you're a big jessie.

By Malinky from Ayrshire

"I also took the advice of the other reviewer and bought the York leather weighlifting gloves. Essential as the bar is rough metal almost like sandpaper."

Review of Review: And this is why I don't think Brad is a big jessie. There's clearly something wrong with the grips on these weights, something that puts carrying them ungauntleted beyond the power of mortal man.

By KK from leicestershire

"Grip is good but not that rough that you have to have gloves."

Review of Review: Hear that, Brad and Malinky? You big jessies. Now let that be the end of the controversy.

By MARECKI from london

"GOOD PRODUCT, BUT IS ONLY 18.5KG NOT 20KG."

Review of Review: What? What??? But it says 20KG up there. Are you sure?

By ken from merseyside

"whilst these dumbbells are very well made they are in fact under-weight coming in at only 18.6kg including the bars"

Review of Review: Let's imagine the scene. Ken from Merseyside excitedly unpacks his weights. He assembles the dumbbells, checks the heft of them. "Ey, this isn't 20kg!"

"Ey, ey, calm down, calm down," says Ken's common-law wife.

"I will not calm down. Lilo Lil is A TART!" says Ken. "Fetch the scales, we've been had."

By spamula from Annesley Woodhouse

"Not sure what the confusion is from other buyers regarding the weight printed on the box but ours said 20kg's and it contained 20kg."

Review of Review: I don't know, Ken from Merseyside and MARECKI from London, perhaps you should be giving your scales a bad review rather than these blameless dumbbells. You probably did. I can't be bothered to look.

By Ali from Essex

"Hi, bought these dumbbells a few back days and have been using them ever since. Advice: If you are making an in-store reservation, make sure that you are either on a car or have some way or carrying them back as they are obviously heavy."

Review of Review: Good advice, Ali from Essex. If you haven't got transport, you might want to buy lighter weights.

Wall Mounted Cue Rack - 5 Stars

2009-11-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

By Jackie from Kent (Source)

Contributed by: Barrie Mills

"Very easy to put onto the wall. Attractive and professional to look at. Handy in terms of storing cues. Would recommend."

Review of Review: Imagine you have some cues you want to store. You might try keeping them in a kettle. But what if you want a nice cup of tea? Maybe you could try a dog basket. But what happens when your poodle, Littlejohn, wants to go to bed? Where, oh where would you be able to stash them?

You might wonder if a cue rack would be the answer. If that's the case, ask Jackie from Kent. She reckons this cue rack is handy in terms of storing cues. I reckon that's all you can ask from a cue rack. It's going to be rubbish for storing, say, jelly or rice, but there are other containers which would be more suitable.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that if you want to store some cues, a cue rack is an ideal option. And Jackie of Kent agrees. And who are you to argue?

Hang on. This isn't an unhelpful review. It's the exact opposite. However, I'm looking for unhelpful reviews. So a helpful review is, by definition, unhelpful to me.

Sound Stage Bouncy Castle - 5 Stars

2009-11-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

By marion from wiltshire (Source)

"my children and my next door neighbours kids absolutely loved this.the speakers are great,no need for a stereo outside so bonus.saying that the volume could have been a bit louder.i totally recomend this,i've renamed it the i- bouncer!"

Review of Review: Oh, look. It's another Marion. Is this merely a coincidence or is there something more going on?*

I like this Marion. I like her laissez-faire approach to punctuation.

I like that she considers not needing extra speakers on a Sound Stage Bouncy Castle with internal speakers to be a bonus (I personally would consider it the minimum specification along with bounciness, but I am a grumbling cynic rather than a wide-eyed optimist).

I like that she's honest enough to admit that, perhaps, the speakers aren't quite loud enough. She's set herself against herself: do I need speakers, or don't I? (This is why this ultimately is an unhelpful review.)

But most of all, I like her sheer inventiveness. Not only has she provided us with a searing and personal review, but she's also come up with a pet name for the Sound Stage Bouncy Castle - "the i- bouncer." It took me a while to work it out - "What? Is this a play on high bouncer?" - but in the end I realised it was a brilliant riff on the Apple iPod.**

*It's a coincidence.
** Perhaps if there was a puncture, she could repair it with an i- patch.

Linear 24 Piece Cream and Chocolate Porcelain Dinner Set - 5 Stars

2009-11-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

Love this item

By Marian from Staffordshire (Source)

"I am very pleased with this and is an impovement to our dining!"

Review of Review: - "Marian, me duck?"

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "This gravy's lovely."

- "Thanks very much. I used the juices from the joint."

- "I thought as much. Erm, it's just..."

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "Well, the mashed carrot and swede's soaking up a lot of the gravy, but I am finding that most of it is ending up on my lap."

- "I knew I should have made it thicker."

- "No, Marian, me duck. It's perfect. It's just, well, I'm not sure that just putting the lamb and potatoes and vegetables directly onto the table top and then pouring the gravy over them is working. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it is a serious impediment to my enjoyment of dining."

- "I've never thought about it before, but you're right. I wonder if Argos has any sort of ingenious device which could help us. Pass the catalogue. Ugh, you've got gravy on it."

24 HOURS LATER.

- "Marian, me duck?"

- "Yes, me duck?"

- "These plate things are a right boon. They've reduced gravy spillage by, ooh, 98%."

- "Yes. me duck. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's an improvement to our dining. I'm going to log on to the Argos website RIGHT NOW and tell them so."

- "That's a great idea. Oh, don't forget, the 'R' key's sticking a bit. Sometimes it doesn't work properly."

The Catcher In The Rye - 1 Star

2009-11-20T04:26:00.000-08:00

By Jamie fan (Source)

"My friends and family immediatley recognised the title of the book, and when they saw me reading it they continually asked me whatt it was about. I was unable to answer. The plot is, there is no plot. It's a snippet from a teenage boy's life, and he used the book to moan and complain about how much he hates pretty much everything. I read it when I was in my teens, and still it had no effect on me whatsoever.

"But don't take my advice. Many people have enjoyed the book,many people hated it. It's simply something you have to try - it may pay off, it may not."

Review of Review: Powerful stuff from Jamie fan, undermined slightly by the advice at the end.

Alien - 1 Star

2009-11-18T03:13:00.000-08:00

By theguys1 (Source)

Contributed by @Orange_Monkey

"the words amazing and stupefying don't define this movie; the words stupid and dull do

This is not a scary movie, but indeed a gross one. The reasons this movie is stupid are that they wasted the first hour of the film doing absolutely nothing, and there was so much use of unnecessary gore and graphic violence that it made the film ridiculously stupid. Just take out the "stupi" in stupefying and add a D to the end. That will tell you everything you need to know.

If you want a scary movie that won't make you heave when you look at water and milk and think they're alien drool, don't rent this garbage. I wish I had never seen this disgusting film, because I truly would have been better off without seeing it.

Back then in the 70's, scary movies were absolutely disgusting and gory, so I'd rent something new that's from our time if I were you."

Review of Review: - Hello. Welcome to Blockbuster Video
- Hello. I'd like to rent a movie.
- Excellent, any particular type?
- Scary, please. Ideally an amazing and stupefying one. I can't be doing with stupid and dull ones.
- Any other specifications? We have a number of scary movies.
- Any where they don't do anything for the first hour?
- Yep. Narrows it down.
- Lots of unnecessary gore, please.
- Yep. Got a few. In fact, I think I have the ideal movie for you. Ridley Scott's Alien. It's a classic.
- Ace. I'll take it... Oh, hang on. When I look at water and milk, I think it looks like alien drool. Will this movie exacerbate this tendency?
- Oh, sorry, yes. Look, it even says on the back. "Do not watch if you think water and milk look like alien drool."
- That was a close one.
- It was.
- I'll be off then. Oh, before I go. I have the spare letters 'e', 'f', 'y', 'n' and 'g' left over from when I was changing the word 'stupefying' into the word 'stupid' earlier today. Do you know anybody who might want to buy them?
- No.

Football Goal - 4 Stars

2009-11-18T02:58:00.000-08:00

By Cindy from Wiltshire (Source)

"This goal does what it's made for and doesn't take long to put up. I only had one problem and that was that one of the black stoppers were snapped which doesn't really matter."

Review of Review: It does its job and the only thing that went wrong isn't even important, so why only 4 stars? Does Cindy from Wiltshire have some Platonic ideal cheap goal which this simply does not match? Maybe perfection in the field of cheap goal manufacture is an unachievable goal. Oh, the bitter-sweet irony. Look upon this review, manufacturers of cheap football equipment and despair, for you have nothing but disappointment ahead of you.

Brabantia White Bread Bin and 3 Plain White Canisters - 4 Stars

2009-11-17T04:12:00.000-08:00

By Michael from Hampshire (Source)

"was pleased with bin though sounds a bit tinny. Goes well with new kitchen."

Review of Review: I'm with Michael from Hampshire here. To me there's nothing worse than a tinny bread bin. To be fair to Brabantia, they make few claims for its effectiveness as headphones and any use as such should be considered a bonus.

So why is this an unhelpful review? Well, we have no idea what Michael's new kitchen looks like. He seems genuine enough, but there are no pictures, so we can't judge. And even if we did, there's no guarantee that the bread bin would go just as well in our own kitchens. If I were a suspicious man, I'd suggest that Michael from Hampshire has only posted this review just to show off that he has a new kitchen. Also there's no specific mention of the canisters. Could do better.

Thriller by Michael Jackson - 5 Stars

2009-11-17T02:20:00.000-08:00

By T. Davies (Source)

"I have the vinyl of this and needed the cd for the car and iPod. The music is amazing - some of his best songs. Brought back so many memories of being a teenager."

Review of Review: I think if, after all this time, I haven't bought Michael Jackson's Thriller, one more positive review isn't going to tip the balance. But thank you, T. Davies, for taking the time and trouble.

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban - 1 Star

2009-11-16T15:04:00.001-08:00

By "A Customer" (Source)

"I enjoyed this one most out of the five so far. It's the one where the characters get on best, their personalities come through very well, the story moves along and you find out more of Harry's background, and the school life is shown well. So why does it get only one star?

"It gets one because it falls apart with Hermione and her time-travel thing. That undermines everything because suddenly anything anywhere can be changed. If you can suddenly mess about with time, then Voldermort could just go back and kill Harry's parents, or kill anyone in his direct family before he was born and suddenly NO MORE HARRY. It's such a massive plot hole and I can't believe JKR used it because it blows the series totally. If time travel is possible in Harry's world then nothing is ever final because everything can change at any moment, depending on who is controlling time itself. Big mistake, in terms of plot development.

"Try reading books four and five without thinking about Hermione's time piece. They don't work at all, because they should be very different once the principle of time travel is applied to them. If Harry could wind the clock back, suddenly the cause of all the problems in those books don't need to happen in the first place. Ooops.

"If like me you love the idea of time travel then try reading ones where it's all been thought through properly, and the stories have been built on it. The Time Traveller's Wife is good, The Time Machine of course, and The Odessa Stone and The Guardian Of Time. They're all based on the effects and so on about messing with time or observing time passing by, and they work brilliantly because the principles get established about what's going on - and who's in charge of them! Most important, they're well thought out.

"So if you can ignore the pitfall of JKR's folly in this one, which most people seem to do very easily, then you'll really enjoy the whole story, and the whole series as well. For me though, it's the most enjoyable story but it leaves a really big mess afterwards - but only if you think about it."

Review of Review: So this is your favourite of the five so far, "A Customer". And you've given it one star. What on earth possessed you to carry on? Are you some sort of masochist? I bet you wish you had access to a time machine, so you could meet your younger self and say, "Tell you what, A Customer, if I were you (and, let's face it, I was) I'd give the whole Harry Potter business a miss."

But then, if you didn't read the books, you'd never feel the need to go back in time to tell your younger self to give Rowling a wide berth. And you'd end up reading them. It's a paradox, and no mistake. I think you should let sleeping dogs lie.

Elevation 34 inch Electric Guitar Outfit - 3 Stars

2009-11-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

By "A Customer" (Source)

"My 14 year old daughter wanted a guitar to learn on. She saw this one in the Argos catalog & put it on her Christmas list. It was purchased for her and the box was huge. However, when you open it, it is not a full size guitar and to be honest I think my daughter was a little disappointed but didn't want to offend. Hold a tape measure to the correct size against the person who intends to use it to check this first."

Review of Review: - 'Love, can you come here?'
- 'God, mum, what do you want now?'
- 'Just stand here.'
- *massive teenage tut*
- 'Put one hand over there. Yes. And the other one there. Like you're playing air guitar'
- 'God, mum, why?'
- 'Never mind, just do it. Right. Tape measure.'
- 'This is stupid. By the way, what are you getting me for Christmas?"
- 'It's a surprise.'